i'm a Smoker

i've been fighting with everyone today. i know, what's new right? my family thinks i'm stressed. i've thought about it. they're right. i'm flipping out. i have one last shot to take the DLAB before I leave for the navy, and if i don't pass i don't get the job i want and i've been dying to have and i enlisted just to get. if i don't pass, i'm not sure if i really want the job i have. but i don't really have a choice. plus, my weight is over. i was 147 when i enlisted, and i was 166 last week. my max is 160. the navy is PISSED at me. i don't get to ship if my weight doesn't drop. on top of that, i can't take the DLAB if my weight doesn't drop. fml is what i feel like shouting. i'm flipping out. they asked me on top of it if i've changed anything in the last 6-9 months that could have made my weight go so high. i haven't really chnaged the way i eat or work out, and around Nov is when my weight went up. it was about 147-151 consistently until then. then, i stop smoking in Nov. suddenly my weight goes up to the 160's! SHIT! i'm pretty sure it's because i stopped smoking. i started up again a little. i bought a pack last friday, finished it last night so it took me a week. i've already dropped six pounds, and i haven't even changed anything! i'm seriously considering taking up smoking again in order to get my weight down. i can't afford to lose my contract. i don't want to smoke, i know my boyfriend won't be crazy but at the same time won't care. if that makes sense.... plus basic is a smoke free zone, i won't even be able to smoke after that so it's not that big of a deal. i won't smoke once i join, but i'm afraid it'll make running harder. GAH too much of a decision. i keep putting off packing too....

Nighttime

2 nights ago i was n my porch, and it felt different. the air was crisp, but still. no breeze. not a car drove by, and i couldn't hear a single bird, owl or bat. no crickets, no people walking home from the bars, no parties. not a sound. it was the most peaceful it's ever been outside my house. and i just sat there, and thought. for awhile actually, it was nice. the sky was orange too i couldn't see a single star and it was like a blue orange. like the clouds were orange and just the bits of blue sky that are managing to poke through are causing almost a speckled look across the sky. i have to admit, it was quite the enjoyable night. i was outside for about 3 hours, thinking and then talking to my sister when she came out to join me. the sun was starting to rise when i finally went in to sleep.

I think I have a boyfriend now, I'm not sure? if that in anyway can make sense. there is this boy, and he is very sweet, and very kind, and he very much likes me. i went to school with him for seven years, and never really thought about it. i had classes with him, and talked to him about frank zappa, chuck norris and wasco. he was funny, and i was attracted to that, but i never thought about it. i guess he didn't either. and then, on graduation night, we talked, and talked, and talked, and talked and next thing ya now we're admiting we like each other and texting almost 24/7. he's meeting my mom, and i'm planning to meet his family, and blah blah. it's nus how it happened in a way. his name is mike mann, and i hope to make the best out of the two months that we are able to spend together.

bonfires, drunk neighbors, and rock band,

It appears i have become nocturnal, but hey that's the price you pay to have fun, right? i woke up at 5pm today, I'm not sure how i feel about that. i realized that most people were starting dinner while i hadn't even started breakfast. i felt like shit for awhile, probably was the whole, 'staying up until 8am because I had snuck Mike Mann into my house' thing. terrible idea in a way because i felt like i was gonna die, i didn't wanna do shit. then i took a shower an got cleaned up around nine, deciding to go out to a bonfire at my good friend Sammy's boyfriend's house. then she pussied out and fell asleep, so me and Caroline went to Olympic Star around 11:30. then we took a trip across the street to jewel because we had a coupon for a free pint of Starbucks ice cream. we always have a good time when we go out. i like that. good times.

we were gonna watch fight club when we got home, but our mom fell asleep on the couch in front of the tv because our crazy fuckin, drunk asshole neighbors like to go "WOOOOOOOO!!!" at all hours of the fuckin night, and her room is like, 30ft from their back porch because the assholes who lived here before us decided to turn their garage into 2 more, incredibly stupid designed bedrooms. SO! her room is really close to their house. i don't blame her.
so instead me and my sister caroline had a bonfire in our driveway, unlike normal people who have them in their backyards. that's another thanks to our previous dumbshit owners, because they had the bright idea to build a garage where their small backyard SHOULD have been, then build a stupid carport where there was ugly useless backyard, INSTEAD of building a garage there where it was ugly like we later did, leaving the backyard, and finishing the basement to add more bedrooms. like we did. stupid fucks.

the bonfire was a success though. the two of us listened to random songs of michael jackson and radiohead while eating java chip starbucks ice cream, burning old business documents that we found when the basement flooded, and listening to our neighbors go "WOOOOOO!!!" only to discover they were actually playing drunken rock band and were singing. we took caroline's laptop with it's webcam and took some intense footage. my god were they terrible, but it was the funniest fuckin thing i've ever seen. from the back of our house, we can see straight into their living room. priceless, if only they knew.